Who Was I Really? - Chapter 1

The limo was crossing the intersection when it was hit. The driver of the truck had missed the red light. Ivy screamed as he struck the left side, where Julian was sitting.

It was over in a matter of seconds, but to Ivy, it felt like forever. Ivy looked over at Julian. She stared in horror at the blood that was coming from a wound in his head.

"Julian," Ivy screamed as darkness overtook her.

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The next morning, Ethan Crane sat by his father's hospital bed, silently watching him as he slept. He was beginning to get worried. The doctors said he should be awake by now. Ethan didn't know why he was so worried about Julian. They were anything but close. They argued a lot over many subjects like fidelity, the people of Harmony, what it meant to be a Crane. Julian was an arrogant SOB most of the time...

But Ethan knew that Julian loved him. He had no doubts about that. And Ethan reluctantly loved him in return, though he halfway expected Julian to hurt him in some way, like Alistair often did to his own family.

"Please wake up soon, Father. A new day has begun. It's about time you should wake up and face it."

Over the course of two hours, Julian had only two visitors, Ivy and Ethan. Ivy had woken up immediately after arriving at the hospital. She had no serious injuries to speak of.

Ethan was in the room when Julian began to rouse from his slumber.

Julian was slowly coming out of the consuming darkness. A pain shot through his head as his eyes greeted the light. He groaned and closed his eyes again.

"Father," a voice spoke softly from his right side. "How are you feeling? Are you all right?"

Julian turned his head and into the concerned eyes of a handsome young man. He looked familiar, but couldn't quite place where he saw him before. The pain in his head was beginning to subside, but he was having a lot of trouble thinking. Thoughts were flying in every possible direction.

Then, one thought struck him with startling clarity. He didn't even know his own name. Turning wary eyes to the young man next to him, he tried focusing on who this person was, trying to force himself to remember. But it didn't work, and he was frightened. God, he thought, what the hell is wrong with me?

"I'm sorry," he told the young man quietly, his voice feeling strange to even himself. "But I don't know who you are...I don't even know who I am."

Ethan just stared at him, uncomprehendingly for a moment. He was on his feet in a shot and rushed out of the room, calling for a doctor.

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Who Was I Really? --Chapter 2

Julian and Ivy sat silently in the living room. Ivy shifted uncomfortably, not knowing what to say to him. Julian was the first to break the silence.

"So, Ivy, tell me about our marriage."

Ivy swallowed before speaking hesitantly, "Well, we were married about 25 years ago. We were both 18 years old. It was something of an arranged marriage..."

"Arranged marriage?" Julian asked, confused. "Why was it arranged? Surely things like that don't happen anymore."

Ivy just looked at him, tears in her eyes. She remembered how she had once thought Julian was in love with her. But it was nothing but an act to trick her into marrying him. If he loved her, she had thought, then maybe she could learn to love him in return. She had no idea that Julian's charm and affection during the time he was courting her was faked. She had wanted so badly to be happy that she hadn't been able to see through the deception. The night of her wedding, she learned the truth. It broke her heart and made the last 25 years of her life miserable.

Julian could see the sadness in her eyes; tears were making her eyes bright. His heart clenched tightly in his chest as he wondered if he had been the cause of her unhappiness. He didn't want that to be the case. "I was...it had to do with..." Ivy began, but couldn't finish. She stood up and turned away from him.

Julian stood up and moved closer. "Ivy, it's okay. You don't have to say anymore right now. This whole situation won't be hard on just me, I know. I'm sure it'll greatly affect the whole family. Let's just take it slowly, like the doctors said we should. Okay?"

Ivy struggled to regain her composure. His attitude had thrown her off for a moment. It had been a while since she had last heard gentle words coming from his mouth directed at her. It was funny, but for the first time in a while, it made her wonder how the marriage had really affected him. She couldn't just ask him now while his memory was gone. But she suddenly felt the need to know. Maybe when he got his memory back she could ask.

"Okay. Why don't I show you your room?"

Julian followed Ivy up the stairs. She led him to his bedroom and stepped aside so he could enter first. Julian stepped hesitantly into his spacious bedroom. He flicked on the light switch and examined the room. He was only half surprised not to see anything feminine in this room.

Julian turned toward Ivy.

"Have we always had separate rooms, Ivy?"

"Umm. For the first 5 years of our marriage, we shared a room. But then we...couldn't anymore."

“Oh," he said. He wanted to question her more, to ask why they stopped sharing a room, but he was afraid. Julian was afraid of what he'd learn.

Ivy could see the fear flash on his face and softened. "It's late, Julian. Maybe we should wait until later to talk more. You just got back from the hospital, we don't want to overwhelm you with information." Ivy left the room and quietly closed the door behind her. She leaned against the wall.

"All these memories. What are we going to do?" she whispered as her tears began to fall.

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Julian stared unseeingly at the door for a while. He wondered what kind of life he led. An arranged marriage? Separate rooms? Why on earth were they still married if the marriage was so unhappy?

He looked at his watch-- it was 11:00. Time for bed.

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It was midnight and Julian was fast asleep. His bedroom door opened slowly. A woman stepped through the door and advanced towards the bed. She knelt down next to him and reached to stroke his face.

Julian was startled awake. He shot up in bed and strained his eyes against the dark to see who was next to his bed. He reached over to turn on the lamp.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked sharply.

"I heard you were back from the hospital, Julian. I just wanted to come and give you a warm welcome. I'm sure that bitch of a wife of yours didn't welcome you like you deserved."

He stared at the woman, shocked. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Oooh, Julian. We've never played that game before." The woman began to crawl into his bed. Julian couldn't move.

"No, I really mean it. Who are you?" he demanded again.

"Oh, poor Julian has amnesia from his accident. Well, I know exactly how to fix you memory." she purred as she leaned over to kiss him.

Julian rolled across to the other side of the bed. He stood up quickly and backed away.

"Look. I don’t know who the hell you are or what you're doing here, but I want you gone. NOW!"

"You're serious, aren't you? I'm Suzanne, Julian, your lover."

Julian shook his head in denial. "No! That's not possible."

"It is. Julian..."

"No, get out..."

"But Julian."

"Get out," he yelled, "Get out and never come back!" "Okay, I'm going. But when you get your memory back, you'll want to see me again."

Julian shook his head.

"Get. Out. Now," he said calmly. When she was gone, Julian sank into his bed. A picture popped in his head of Ivy holding a gun and pointing it at him. He tried to hold onto the memory, to remember why she held the gun. It was gone as quickly as it came.

"What kind of person am I?" Julian contemplated in misery. He buried his face in his hands.

Who Was I Really? --Chapter 3

Julian was seated at the desk next to one of the windows in the living room. He was looking at the pictures of his family that were displayed before him. Picking one up, he studied it carefully, hoping to capture something...a glimpse of a memory...a glimmer of recognition.

It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman. Who was she? His daughter?

No.

His sister. What was her name? He recalled Ivy telling him, but couldn't remember. Ivy had said he had one sister and five children. He remembered there was Carly, Lauren, Marianna, Logan...

Who else? Ethan he had met in the hospital. He was their eldest son. His sister's name was a blank right now. It was an unusual name, he did remember that. While he was contemplating this, the front door burst open and a chaos of voices found its way into the room. Julian stood up quickly and headed towards the foyer.

The woman from the photograph was standing there along side a tall Latino man. He looked familiar, but like everything else, the recognition was fleeting. Ivy came in next, holding in her arms, a little blonde haired, blue eyed little girl of about two years. "Julian," Ivy greeted him. "Let me introduce you to your granddaughter, Emily. She is Carly's little girl."

"Hi, Grandfather!" Emily exclaimed, wriggling in her grandmother's arms.

Ivy set her down and Emily ran up to Julian, lifting her arms up to him. For a moment, Julian stared down at her.

"Up, Grandpa. Up." she demanded.

Julian reached down to lift Emily up into his arms. Her chubby little arms surrounded his neck and planted a sound kiss on his cheek.

Julian's heart warmed. This seemed to be unfamiliar territory, like he had never been held in such affection before. Ivy looked at him, with tears in her eyes. Julian usually avoided young children like the plague. Seeing Emily in his arms was new and made her wish that this was his normal routine...and something he could have done with his children

Emily giggled and demanded to be put down so she could go see her Uncle Ethan. Julian reluctantly let her go. Ethan came bounding down the steps toward the group. "Emily!" he cried out.

"Uncle Ethan! Grandfather picked me up and let me kiss him."

Ethan looked at his father, surprised. Julian never lifted children into his arms, let alone let them kiss him. He was always worried that they would wrinkle his suit or give him a too sloppy kiss.

Julian lifted a brow at the expression Ethan shot him. "What?" he asked.

"It's nothing, Father. I'm just a bit surprised that you picked her up. I don't ever once remember you doing..."

"But I don't understand why I would never..." Julian stopped as a voice spoke inside his head.

"A Crane never shows affection, Julian. That is a weak emotion, and Cranes must always show strength." Julian's heart sank as he could picture himself agreeing, saying, "Yes, Father.'

Julian suddenly felt dizzy. He lifted a shaky hand to his forehead. His sister took a step forward.

"Are you okay, Julian?" she asked as she examined his face carefully, her arms steadying him.

"Yes, I'm fine..." he looked into her concerned blue eyes and said regretfully, "I'm sorry. I don't remember your name."

The woman turned slightly to look at everyone standing in the foyer.

"That's okay, Julian. My name is Sheridan. I'm your sister. Why don't we sit you down and I can bring you a brandy."

"I think I'll pass on the brandy, just...I'd just like a glass of water, if that's okay."

Sheridan and Ivy helped lead Julian to a chair in the living room He sank down into it with a slight groan. "My head is starting to kill me."

"I'll get some aspirin," Ethan told the group and left with Emily trailing behind him.

Julian looked up to see the young man who was with Sheridan. He stared back at Julian. Julian could see in the man's dark eyes two emotions...strong dislike and suspicion.

He felt the strongest desire to look away, but decided that would be too cowardly. Julian didn't know why the young man was looking at him like that.

"So, what's your name?" Julian asked him.

"Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald," was his short reply.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Luis. Are you and Sheridan married or dating?”

Sheridan and Luis looked at each other. They slowly tore their eyes away from one another as Sheridan said, "He is my fiancé, Julian."

"Oh?" Julian had no idea why this unsettled him, but his stomach began flip-flopping. "Congratulations, you two. Do you have the date set?"

"August 23rd. 2 months." Luis answered. The voice came again...his father's voice, he was sure. "We must do whatever it takes to keep Luis and Sheridan apart."

And again he could imagine himself agreeing. Julian wondered why on earth he and his father wanted Sheridan and Luis to be broken up. They seemed like such a happy couple.

Sheridan never had very many chances at true happiness before, he thought, why should we take it away from her now? Now where did that come from? Julian banished the thought from his head as he listened to a discussion on the wedding.

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Who Was I Really? --Chapter 4

Julian needed to get out of the mansion. He had spent the whole afternoon inside being introduced to his family. They were all there, his children, sister, wife and grandchild. It felt so very strange to Julian to be introduced to his family. Each and every one of their faces was familiar to him, but it was so frustrating when he couldn't place a name with a face or recall a single memory. The only person who wasn't present was his father, Alistair.

Knowing that Alistair lived far away and couldn't visit didn't help the waves of disappointment Julian felt. The man hadn't even called to see how he was doing, not even when he was in the hospital. It was like he didn't give a damn.

Julian knew that he was trying too hard. The doctors told him that everything would come back to him in its own time. He just had to wait, and fall back into his normal routine, whatever that was.

Julian decided to go take a walk. On his way to the staircase, he ran into his daughter Carly and Emily. Little Emily was so excited to see her grandfather, which confused Carly a great deal. Usually Emily kept her distance from Julian, hanging back behind her mother or grandmother while he was nearby.

Then again, in the last couple of hours everything that had to do with her father confused her. It was like he was a whole new person. Children could be surprisingly perceptive. Emily must be picking up on the positive change and responding to it.

'I hope he doesn't revert back to his old self once he regains his memory,' Carly thought wryly.

"Father,” she greeted him cheerfully, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "How are you feeling after spending this afternoon with the family?"

"It's hard to describe."

"I'm sure it is. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my memory. It has to be strange."

"I have a question, Carly, and I would like you to answer me honestly."

"Okay. Go ahead."

"Well, does my father always show a lack of interest in his family's welfare?"

Carly shifted uncomfortably.

"Sometimes Grandfather shows little interest in us and sometimes...sometimes he shows far too much," she said, hoping she didn't sound bitter and he wouldn't ask her to elaborate.

Julian could see this in her eyes. She was hedging and he didn't like it one bit. In the time he spent with his family, he noticed they all had acted this way at one time or the other in their conversations. He would ask a certain question and they would all get these looks on their faces that said they'd rather not discuss it.

It made him very angry. How could they keep things from him like that? He knew that his memory would come back on its own, but he didn't want to be left completely in the dark.

Julian decided to let Carly off the hook.

"I'm going for a walk outside, Carly. Would you and Emily like to join me?" he asked her.

"I'm sorry, Father, but Emily and a I were going to see her father."

"Okay. I'll see you later," he told her and gave her a hesitant peck on the cheek.

Carly just looked at him and touched her hand to her face.

"Bye, Father."

Julian breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped outside. It felt so good to be outdoors after spending days in a hospital, then all day at the mansion.

Outside the front door, he ran into Ivy, who was about to go inside.

"Julian! Where are you going?" she asked.

"I decided that I hate being cooped up, so I'm going for a walk through Harmony."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Julian. You just got home. Plus, you rarely go into town. You usually head for the country club." She stopped when she saw a peculiar expression cross his face.

"What is it, Julian?" she asked.

"It's nothing. I was just wondering why I never went into town. Do you think I should go to the country club, since it is my normal routine?"

"It doesn't matter, Julian. You always do what you want, anyway. If you want to go into town...go to town. If you want to go to the country club...go there."

Ivy didn't know which she wanted him choose. She knew that wherever he went people would stare and gossip. She felt their eyes on her often enough, making her extremely uneasy.

The latest scandal to rock the Crane family was still so fresh in the minds of Harmony. Julian's presence amongst them was sure to rouse a lot of curiosity and speculation.

"Well. I think I'm more in the mood to go into town."

Ivy stared after him as he took one of the cars and left, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

An hour later, Julian walked to the Book Café. His whole time in town, he could sense people staring at him. The attention was making him edgy. He tried his best not to let them get to him.

At the newspaper stand in the Book Café, something caught his attention. He picked up a tabloid and stared, shocked, at the front cover and its headline.

CRANE PATERNITY SCANDAL STILL FRESH IN
THE MINDS OF THE MINDS OF THE WORLD

"What the hell?" he murmured.

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Who Was I Really? --Chapter 5

"Ivy!" Julian called angrily as he stormed back into the mansion. "Ivy! Where the hell are you?"

Ivy appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Julian? What are you yelling for?"

Julian waved the tabloid in the air.

"I want an explanation for this and I want it now!"

Ivy had never seen such an expression on his face before. It was filled with a mixture of anger, confusion and hurt. She couldn't see what was in his hand, but she had an idea of what it could be. When she reached him, she could see that it was the Daily Intruder, a tabloid.

"What is this?" she asked, reaching out to grab the paper from his hand.

She looked down at the front cover and gasped in surprise.

"I ought to have known they wouldn't leave this alone?" she murmured sarcastically.

Ivy looked at Julian.

"Oh, God, Julian! I am so sorry that you had to see this. When you left, I was hoping you wouldn't come across something like this."

"Is the article right," he asked.

"Wh-what did it say?"

"Read it."

Ivy read the article, her eyes growing wider with every increasing second. In the past couple of months, Crane secrets has been the talk of a small New England town. It appears that they have much to hide and a lot to fear. The most explosive of secrets was revealed in February at Ethan Crane’s engagement party. He was set to marry Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, the housekeeper’s daughter, when the question of his paternity was brought to life.

Ivy Winthrop Crane’s secret of 25 years was revealed that night. Before her marriage to Julian Crane, she had a secret affair with the now Police of Chief of Harmony, Samuel Bennett. If that wasn’t enough, Ivy had cheated on Julian Crane on...get ready for this...their wedding night!

Shame on you, Ivy Winthrop Crane!

Mrs. Crane held on to this secret for the whole of her marriage, including the fact that she had believed that Ethan Crane was Sam’s son. In a DNA test, administered later, this belief was proven false.

Or was it really?

How do we know that Ethan’s DNA test wasn’t tampered with? After everything that Ivy’s secret caused, you shouldn’t be surprised if the Crane’s, to avoid further embarrassment, made the results SEEM to say Julian Crane was Ethan’s biological father.

We may never know the real truth about who Ethan’s father is.

The wedding of Ethan Crane and Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald is now in the works, along with her brother's marriage to Sheridan Crane. A double wedding is being considered.

They say that Alistair Crane is prepared to disown his daughter should she marry Ms. Lopez-Fitzgerald’s brother, Luis. But that is another topic for another day...”

"No, Julian. This is wrong. Ethan is definitely your son. We haven't hidden any truth from the outside world when it comes to this."

"But you did have an affair with Sam Bennett, the chief of police?"

"Yes. That was a long time ago, though. Before Ethan was born."

Julian sighed, resigning himself to hear the truth.

"Why? Why did you sleep with Bennett on our wedding night? Did you have no shame?"

The more he thought about it, the angrier he was becoming. On the very first night of their marriage, she went off and slept with somebody else. Someone who was not him. What kind of person was Ivy, he thought.

"I know that it was the wrong thing to do, Julian," she said. "But...but I was so upset that night. I felt so betrayed by you and your father...that I wasn't thinking!"

Her voice was steadily rising.

"When I left the mansion that night, I didn't expect to see Sam again. I wanted to be as far away from you as possible. I just kept running and running, with nowhere to go...no direction to follow. Somehow, I found myself with Sam."

"What happened next?" Julian asked calmly and this calm frightened Ivy to death. "Why did you come back?”

“After I found myself in Sam’s arms, I had no intention of ever returning to you. But...my father found out where I was and he came to get me. He threatened to ruin Sam’s future if I didn’t go back to you. I couldn't let that happen to Sam.I just couldn’t. So I came back and broke off all contact with him. I didn’t see him again until about 2 years ago when he came to the Crane Mansion on police business.”

“Okay. Let’s back up a bit,” he told Ivy, staring intently into her eyes.

Ivy took deep cleansing breaths to get rid of the burning flush that covered her whole face and nodded carefully.

“Alright.”

Julian stared at her for a second more before turning and motioning for Ivy to follow. She came into the living room behind him. Julian stood by the drinks.

He poured himself and Ivy a glass of brandy.

“Here,” he said. “I have a feeling we’re both going to need this. Sit.”

Ivy sat. He handed her the glass sat down in the chair in front of her, and took a sip of the brandy. He set the glass down on the coffee table. Leaning forward, he clasped his hands in front of him, ready to hear more. He paused, taking the time to think before speaking. “You said that you felt betrayed by my Father and me. How?”

Ivy explained what she had heard Julian and Alistair talking about on their wedding night. SO, you see...I was nothing but an ornament, a decoration to help make the Crane family look good. You didn’t love me...you just wanted to use me to improve the Crane image and increase your political influence. I just wanted you to love me and for a while thought you did. But it was a lie.”

Ivy downed the rest of her brandy and stood up quickly. The alcohol was getting to her head and she swayed for a moment.

She collected herself quickly and moved to leave.

Julian’s voice stopped her. “You were wrong, Ivy, despite what you heard that night.”

Ivy stopped and stood still, her back turned toward him.

“How would you know?”

“I may not remember much about us and our past, but there is something within me that tells me you were...are wrong. You say I didn’t love you. How can this be true when my heart says differently? It says that I did love you...and still do.”

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Who Was I Really?--Chapter 6

"I can see that when you lost your memory, your sense of humor didn't go along with it," Ivy said as she sun around to face Julian.

"I don't know what you mean," Julian said quietly, looking up at her.

Ivy wiped the tears that were starting to fall from her cheeks.

"You? Love me? Don't make me laugh."

She let out a bitter laugh.

Julian stood up and slowly walked toward Ivy. He reached out his hand to touch the tears on her face. As his fingers made contact, Ivy flinched and stepped quickly back.

"I hurt you," Julian stated, dropping his hand as he glanced down at the floor.

Ivy didn't speak, but her silence was confirmation enough for him. He looked back up at her face. Their eyes made contact and he could see clearly the hurt in hers. Julian drew in a shaky breath as he realized how much hurt he really caused her.

If only he could remember how. Then he would know what to do to make it right.

Could he make it right between them?

A thought came to him.

"You're not the only one." It was more statement than question.

Ivy shook her head sadly. "No. I'm not the only person you've hurt."

Julian turned away from her and walked over to the window. He stared outside at the garden rather blankly as he processed her last words. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

I was a minute before he spoke again. Softly.

"The more I learn about myself, Ivy, the less I like the person I was. Tell me something. Have I ever done anything good? Did I love anything else beside myself? If the answer is no, then what a sad life I've led."

He turned to face her again.

Ivy stared at him, searching his eyes. She took a deep breath.

"You love your children, Julian. You try to hide it, especially because your father encourages you to. But I know...and they know."

"My. Father. It all seems to come back to him, doesn't it? I get the impression that Alistair has a strong influence on me. Do I always do what he says?"

At the mention of Alistair Crane, Ivy threw up her hands in the air, sarcastically saying, "When the Great and Powerful Alistair Crane speaks, Julian Crane listens. Whatever the Almighty Alistair tells him to do, he does. To hell with anyone else. Why should Julian and Alistair care who they hurt in the name of protecting the interests of the all important Crane family?!!"

Julian was taken aback by the bitterness in her voice. He had no idea how deeply it ran in her. Alistair's voice ran over and over again through his mind, ruthlessly hitting him from all directions.

"Of course Sheridan will be hurt, Julian. We mustn't allow that to get in our way, though. Poor little Sheridan will get over it. She always does.... Ethan is no longer of a concern to you. He's not your son. He’s nothing but a Bennett bastard. Turn your back on him...I had his brake line cut. T.C. Russell will never play tennis again...Carly will marry Tyler Cartwright. She has no choice...a divorce for Marianna is out of the question. I don't care if he hit her. We need the political pull his family can give us...Sacrifices, Julian!"

Julian groaned aloud and his hands flew to massage his temples as if that would silence the unwelcome chorus of a dozen different memories. He wondered if Alistair Crane's voice would ever leave him alone. His mind felt battered and bruised by the assault made by the voice without a face. Why could he only remember Alistair as a faceless voice?

Ivy's features softened from anger to concern. She stepped forward.

"Are you alright, Julian?" she asked.

Julian looked into her face, his heart skipping a beat as she spoke to him. She always had that affect on him; from the very first time he met her.

How did he know that? He had no idea. But he knew it was true.

"Damn this amnesia," he cursed passionately. "It has a mind of its own. I can't seem to find one single good memory. Why is that, Ivy?"

Julian was getting himself all worked up. Ivy watched helplessly as he paced in front of his desk like a caged lion. He kept running his hand through his hair. Ivy half expected him to start ripping out strands. She took a tentative step toward her restless husband, unsure of whether or not she should touch him. She worried about how he would react.

Ivy knew that he wouldn't hit her. He wasn't the kind of man to do that. That's not what worried her. She was scared that he would turn to her for comfort, for reassurance that his life wasn't completely filled with bad things. She wouldn't know what to say, what to do.

Ivy was about to step forward again when Julian abruptly stopped and faced her again.

"Why are there no good memories?" he asked Ivy again. "All I'm really getting is my father's voice. Telling me to close myself off to people...to my own family, for God's sake. Telling me to hurt those I care about."

"I-I don't know, Julian."

Ivy was at a loss for words. She watched as Julian slowly walked to the chair he had been sitting in. He picked up the brandy snifter on the coffee table. It was still full, for he had only taken a sip. He stared at the shimmering liquid in the glass, hypnotized by the changing reflections.

"Tell me something good about our lives. Forget, for just a moment, all the pain and the heartache...the lies and deceptions. Tell me something good," he said quietly, resolutely, not turning his head to look at her.

Ivy made her way past Julian's chair to sit in the one on the other side of the table. She sat and stared across to him. Her voice was hesitant at first as she began to tell him of his daughter, Marianna's birth. It steadily grew in strength as she recounted that beautiful day.

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Who Was I Really?--Chapter 7

“After Carly was born, the doctors told us we wouldn't be able to have any more children. So, my pregnancy with Marianna came as quite a pleasant surprise." Ivy let out a soft laugh.

Julian couldn't stop looking at Ivy's face. As she spoke, her features softened and her whole visage lit up. Her smile could brighten a room like the sun in the afternoon sky. To keep the image in his mind should the real thing disappear, Julian leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

Her face soon disappeared to something just as wonderful. The way she described Marianna's arrival was so vivid and powerful that he could picture it so clearly.

"When you held our little girl for he first time, Julian, the look on your face was priceless. You held her as if she were made of the most fragile glass. The awe and love that shone through your face as you looked at her brought tears to my eyes. It was the first time since our wedding night that I believed you weren't such a horrible person...that you were capable of love. Yes, I know you love your children, even when you are at your worst as a father and a husband."

To Julian, this seemed like such a contradiction. How can a man who loved his children and try to hide it from them by being a bad father?

"You didn't do all that good job at it," Ivy said, startling him. He hadn't realized he'd spoken the question aloud.

"How so?" he asked and leaned forward to hear better.

Ivy tilted her head back elegantly and stared at the ceiling as she sought the words that would do justice to her explanation. How could she answer this when she had often wondered the same thing, never really understanding?

"You would never put them down or make them feel bad about themselves. Alistair's specialty, by the way. I've even heard you tell them that you loved them...So many small things, too...barely perceptible things. The way you would look at them...or how you would listen to them should they come to you. They never really felt comfortable confiding in you, though."

"Was I comfortable being around them?"

"When it came to personal things, like love, you were really uneasy? For example..." her voice softened as she searched for an example, "...when you would say, 'I love you,' you'd shift uncomfortably, or be unable to look them in the eye."

Julian leaned back. "What could have caused that?" he asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of why that was so.

"I think a part of the reason lies within your own background. You felt uncomfortable expressing affection mostly because you never really experienced it as a child."

"I know that my father, wasn't exactly the loving father...but I had my mother, right? She must have loved me, didn't she?"

"I barely knew your mother, but from what I can tell, especially from Sheridan's stories of her, she did love you.” Ivy sighed. "For most of your life, Julian, you were away at boarding schools. I got the impression that your father tried to limit your contact with your mother. You'd have holidays, occasional phone calls, and letters with her. Alistair was the only person who had constant communication with you. After all, he was the one grooming you to become the head of the family one day. According to you, he'd call every day. When you were home for the holidays, he would make sure you spent the majority of time with him."

Julian interrupted her and scoffed, "I'll bet he used that time to "brainwash" me into his ways."

Ivy gave him a half smile. She totally agreed with that conclusion. In all her years to marriage she had often told herself the same thing.

Ivy looked down at her watch. She had a meeting in 10 minutes. She sighed in resignation, wanting to talk more with Julian, but knowing she couldn't.

It surprised her, but Ivy felt comfortable talking to Julian. They had never before broached the subject of why he acted the way he did. One would think that this would cause major discomfort, but it didn't. This was very enlightening indeed. A lot of questions were left unanswered and perhaps many of them would be remain that way. But at least she was beginning to truly understand.

"Looks like I have to go, Julian," she told him as she stood up.

Julian stood up quickly.

"Go? But why?" he asked, disappointed.

"I have a meeting that I can't miss. We can talk later."

Before she could think to stop herself, Ivy stepped over to Julian and impulsively kissed him lightly on the lips. It was brief, but it sent heat waves through her body. She placed her fingers to her lips as her eyes widened in surprise. What on earth had possessed her to kiss him?

Julian watched as Ivy turned and walked away from him, speechless. After she was out of sight, Julian headed upstairs. There was something he wanted to check out.

----------------------

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 8

Ivy couldn't concentrate on the meeting, her thoughts were constantly drifting back to Julian. For what seemed the millionth time, Ivy touched her fingers to her lips. The tingling sensation there had long since passed, but her memories faded much less quickly.

She still didn't know what had given her the desire to kiss him. In the beginning of their marriage, before many things dramatically changed between them, kissing him had never truly been a bad thing. Then, she had actually enjoyed the physical part of their relationship. When they made love, Julian was always so sweet and gentle..and a bit playful at the same time. She would revel in the way his hands would explore every inch of her heated, wr....

Ivy blushed a deep crimson as she realized the direction her thoughts were leading her. She pressed her hands against her flushed cheeks, trying to will the coolness of her palms to lessen that heat that radiated from her face.

"Ivy, dear, you looked absolutely flushed. Are you not feeling well?" Agatha Weldon asked, reaching her hand out to touch Ivy's arm.

Ivy's head shot up. She was extremely mortified. Here she was, in a meeting with one of Harmony's most prominent and well-respected women...and she was thinking about sex.

Fortunately, Agatha didn't see Ivy's look of pure horror. Her concentration was on the intercom on her desk as she called her secretary.

"Mary. Can you please bring Mrs. Crane a wet cloth. I fear she's going to need it."

Ivy shook her head and quickly called out, "Really, Mary, that's not necessary. I am feeling much better."

"Nonsense, Mary. Don't pay any attention to Mrs. Crane's protests. You bring that wash cloth."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll be right in."

Agatha got up and walked around her desk to be closer to Ivy. She put her cool, wrinkled hand on Ivy's forehead to test the temperature.

Ivy reached up to grab the older woman's wrist and pushed it away lightly.

"Really, Agatha," she protested. "I do feel better."

"I don't know," Agatha clucked like a mother hen, "You still look quite a bit flushed, Ivy. I am going to insist that you lie down on the couch."

Despite Ivy's denial that she didn't need to lie down, she soon found herself doing just that. Agatha Weldon was a very persuasive woman when it came to the well being of someone she cared about.

Ivy's embarrassment grew as Mary breezed into the office with the washcloth and a glass of ice water. Mary's concern for Ivy was just as overbearing and suffocating as Agatha's.

Ivy leaned back into the cushions as she tried to drown out the women's fussing. It didn't work. She was forced to listen to them drone on.

5 minutes later Mary was gone.

'Hallelujah,' Ivy silently rejoiced.

Agatha sat in a chair by the couch and looked down at the younger woman.

"Ivy, dear, does this have anything to do with what was distracting you earlier before?"

Ivy blushed again, but not as much as previously.

"What makes you think that, Agatha?" Ivy dodged, looking away.

Agatha leaned forward.

"You know, dear, talking can very soothing and helpful. Why don't you tell me about it? I have a degree in psychology, you know. I might be able to help…”

Ivy sighed. This was going to take a while.

-----------------* * *----------------------

Julian's thoughts of Ivy were distracting him. He wondered how it would feel for him to kiss her thoroughly, to taste the sweetness of her lips. He wanted to know how it was to make love to her beneath the moonlit sky, feeling the sensation of her...

Julian straightened out and let out a groan. The very erotic picture of Ivy's naked body, illuminated by the moonlight, filled him with an anguished desire.

He needed a distraction.

Forcing himself to focus on the task at hand, Julian searched his room, looking for a photo album. Somehow, he knew that he had one in there. The question was, where.

Outside the open door was a petite Latina woman. He could tell from her uniform that it was one of the maids.

"Maybe she'll know where I keep that album," he told himself. He cleared his throat.

"Miss!" he called out to the woman, heading towards the hall to her.

The woman looked up from dusting the desk that was across the hall, startled by his voice. She smiled politely as Julian approached her.

"Yes, Mr. Crane?" she inquired, "What can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for a family photo album..." he trailed off, his tone indicating he was waiting for a name.

"Pilar, sir," she supplied.

"Pilar. I'm not sure what it looks like, but I think it's dark forest green with fancy gold writing on the front.

Pilar frowned and shook her head.

"I'm sorry Mr. Crane. I don't believe I've ever seen a photo album of that description before," she told him regretfully. "But I can show you where you keep the other ones."

"Thank you..."

"Pilar," she repeated.

"Pilar. Please, Pilar, can you go get them and bring them to me."

"Yes, Mr. Crane. I'll get them right away."

"Thank you, Pilar. Just take them to my office when you find them...where is my office, by the way?"

"It's that door right over there," Pilar pointed to a door down the hall.

"Thank you, Pilar."

In his office were a variety of photographs. They were dispersed everywhere throughout the room. He examined each and every one of them, frowning as he realized they were all professionally taken. There were no candid pictures anywhere. Julian was very disappointed. He hoped the albums were different.

Pilar soon brought the albums and Julian immersed himself in the family photos. They were not much different than the ones in his office and throughout the house.

Each picture was too well set up. Everyone dressed impeccably refined. Perfectly composed smiles, perfectly poised postures..all professionally done, or made to look that way.

"Where are the pictures of the children playing outdoors, getting incredibly filthy? Where are the women talking and laughing as they socialize with family? Why does this all seem so fake?" he inquired of himself aloud.

Ivy's voice startled him.

"It's the image the Cranes try to maintain. One of perfection...which is nothing but a farce. Those pictures aren't us, Julian, they're what Alistair expects us to be. Perfect, sophisticated, aloof. Superior. But none of us are all of that. That is the problem you see there in those photographs. They give a false image of the Crane family."

Julian tore his gaze from the photographs of pretend perfection, to someone who was, in his own opinion, as close to perfection one can get. She stood in front of him, straight and serene. His wife. He let his gaze drop from her face to her left hand. It was the hand that held is heart, he was sure of it.

------------

Who Was I Really? --Chapter 9

Julian and Ivy just stared at each other, neither knowing how to go about breaking the uncomfortable silence that reigned over the room. Each was afraid to make the first move.

Then, they both began speaking at the same time.

"So, how did..."

"Have you..."

They both broke off and started to laugh. The laughter was cut off as they began to stare at each other again. This time the atmosphere was much more light.

"You first, Julian," Ivy gestured to him.

Julian stood up.

"Oh, it's nothing really. I just wanted to know how your meeting went."

Ivy took a step backwards and turned away slightly. She needed to hide the blush that was threatening to take over her face again. She wasn't about to tell him what really happened. Especially about what she and Agatha had discussed after her thoughts had distracted her.

"Oh, it went fine. Agatha and I are organizing a charity dinner for the next month. We mostly discussed, um, just that," Ivy told him, hoping that she sounded sincere.

In reality , Agatha and Ivy had found themselves drawn into a conversation about sex and marriage.

Somehow, with her infamous persistence, Agatha had gotten Ivy to open up about what had made her so flushed earlier.

Ivy was at first appalled that she had even considered talking to Agatha about it. However, Agatha made it seem like it was the most natural thing in the world for two adults to talk about. Ivy soon felt that she could talk to the older woman about anything and everything. It sort of felt like they were best friends or close siblings.

Ivy remembered Agatha's parting words.

"When it feels right between you and your husband, don't worry, go for it."

Ivy surprised herself by considering making love to Julian sometime in the future...but decided that she might do so only after Julian regained his memory. Then again, he might not want her to, with or without his memory.

"What was it that you were about to say to me, Ivy?" Julian's distinguished voice broke into her thoughts.

Ivy spun to face him again.

"I wanted to know if you did anything interesting while I was gone."

Julian cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. How could he tell her what he had been thinking about? He couldn't, of course. Right now, he didn't even want to think about it.

"Nothing really," he said, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Before I went in search of those photograph albums, I basically just sat and thought."

"About what?"

Julian laughed nervously.

"Nothing you'd be interested in."

"You never know. I just may be."

Julian brushed past her. Ivy lifted her eyes to the ceiling in exasperation.

"So, Ivy, where are our children this evening?" he asked, changing the subject.

Ivy sighed, but let it go. She had been hoping to have another serious conversation with her husband, but if he wasn't up to it, she wasn't going to push.

"Oh, Carly is at her in-law's. Marianna, Lauren and Logan, all went to the Seascape for dinner. Ethan is...somewhere. Probably with Theresa. Why?"

"Just curious, I suppose."

Ivy took a step toward Julian just as he turned to face her. They bumped into each other. They both tensed at the close contact, but weren't able to move an inch. They were caught in a spell. Both could sense something happening between them, but it was a vague feeling. All they could really see at this moment, was each other.

Julian wanted to pull her to him and ravish her mouth with passionate kisses. But he was so afraid of scaring her off. The spell was broken with the sound of the telephone ringing.

Ivy rushed to pick up the phone.

"Hello? Uh, yes. He's with me right now."

Holding her hand over the mouth piece, she held out the receiver. A strange look was on her face.

"It's your father," she whispered.

"My father," Julian asked blankly.

Ivy nodded her head.

"Yes. He wants to check on you to see how you are adjusting."

Julian slowly reached out to grab the receiver. He took a deep breath and shot Ivy an anxiety filled look. It was a look Ivy saw often enough in the past.

A variety of emotions were going through Julian as he held the phone to his ear. One thing stood out the most. The anxiety. It was a familiar sensation.

"Hello?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 10

Alistair's voice came loud and clear over the phone line as he greeted his son. "Hello, Julian. This is your father. I am calling to see how you're getting along with the family and adjusting to your life. I trust all is going well?"

Julian cleared his throat and adjusted the collar of his shirt. He inexplicably felt uncomfortable.

"Yes, sir. I am adjusting well. Everyone has been so helpful."

'Unlike you, who didn't even bother to call me until now,' Julian thought, but dared not voice it.

"There are a few things I'd like to speak to you about. However, I do not believe now is the time for that. I hope that the family has kept you informed on what's expected of you...as a Crane."

Julian looked over at Ivy, who was listening to his end of the conversation. Her eyebrows raised as an expression she couldn't interpret crossed Julian's face.

"What do you mean, Father...what is expected of me?"

Ivy looked up to the ceiling with a look of disgust on her face. She knew what Alistair was getting at. She hoped that Julian wouldn't take what he said to heart.

"I have only the highest standards for this family. Unfortunately, in the light of recent events, that standard has been compromised. The scandal from that whole paternity disaster was thoroughly damaging our name. I'm sure you've heard about it already. What is expected of you, Julian, is that you do nothing …absolutely nothing to tarnish our image."

"And what kind of behavior would you say, would tarnish the Crane image?" Julian asked.

"No specifics now Julian, there is no time for that. I'm sure you'll understand once you think about it. I must be going to a very important business meeting. Farewell, son," were Alistair's parting words before hanging up.

Julian just looked at the receiver for a moment. He had no idea what to make of the conversation. Alistair hadn't really called to check up on him, he got that. He wanted Julian to know who would be dictating how things were to go. Alistair just established that he wasn't to be defied and nothing could prevent that, not even Julian's amnesia.

"So," Ivy said sarcastically, "What pearly words of wisdom had Alistair to bestow upon his beloved son?"

Julian raised an eyebrow and grimaced at her tone. He raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He could feel a major headache coming on.

"Oh, nothing," he sighed. "He just told me I am to do nothing to tarnish the precious Crane name."

"I suppose he made reference to the paternity scandal. He really likes to rub that in as much as he possibly can…as a prime example of what's not to happen."

Julian sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. The headache was beginning to get worse. He rubbed his temples to ease it as much as he could.

"Are you all right, Julian," Ivy asked, her voice more gentle and filled with concern.

"Ah, nothing. Just a headache."

Ivy came over to him, gently taking his hand and pulling him to the couch.

"You sit here and lean back," Ivy ordered.

Julian sat down and leaned back against the seat. Ivy stepped behind him and he could feel the cool touch of her fingers on his temples. The pads of her fingers were massaging in gentle, but firm circles. Julian leaned further back, sinking into the cushion. His headache was starting to subside.

"God, Ivy," he groaned, "That feels so good."

Her fingers were now on his shoulders. He shifted his position slightly, allowing her to knead his muscles more easily. His headache lessened even more because of that.

"You've got magical fingers, Ivy," he commented. "My headache is almost gone."

"I always did this for our children when they'd complain of a headache. It always worked."

"Where'd you learn to do this?"

"You taught me," she told him softly.

Julian turned to face her, surprise evident in his face. She stopped massaging his shoulders, hands lifting from his body.

"Really? Why?"

Ivy shrugged.

"I don't know. I had a headache one day and you did this for me. I wanted you to teach me, so you did. It's something your mother taught you."

Julian frowned as a memory came to him.

"I suffered from migraines. Horrible ones that would keep me in bed for days. Father would scold me about it, telling me to take it like a man. But my mother…my mother would massage my head and shoulders. Then she would place a cool cloth on my forehead."

Ivy smiled at him and Julian returned it. It felt good to remember his mother. The memory filled him with such a sense of peace and security.

"That's right, Julian. You told me once about that. Your mother was a wonderful woman compared to Alistair."

"I wish she was here. I think I could use her guidance right now."

He sighed deeply and sank back into the couch. A sadness, deep and heavy, weighed upon his soul. He felt the cushion of the couch shift slightly as Ivy added her weight to it.

He turned his head to look at her. As if guided by some instinct, Ivy reached her hand out to grasp his. She squeezed it slightly, and did not release it.

Julian started to unconsciously lean forward towards Ivy as she said in a dazed tone, "Your mother may not be here, but she is an ever constant presence in…your life. You’ve just chosen to ignore her guidance."

"Do you think she would approve of me kissing you right now?" he asked in a murmur.

Ivy’s eyes closed. Even so, she could feel the very nearness of her husband. His breath was gentle against her face.

"I…I don’t know."

“I think she would," Julian whispered, "So, I think I will."

Ivy tried to speak again, but was stopped by the pressure of his lips on hers. Julian was relieved when she didn’t pull away and responded shyly. It started out slowly, and he leaned in closer to deepen the kiss.

A knock at the door startled them just as they were starting to lose themselves in each other. The knock turned quickly into pounding. Whoever was out there was getting impatient.

"Mother, Father…we need you downstairs…right now."

It was Lauren’s voice, filled with tears and fear.

Ivy sprung up from the couch and flung open the door. Lauren was standing there, shaking like a leaf and crying.

"Lauren. Calm down," Ivy said soothingly, touching her daughter’s face with one hand while gripping the girl’s arm with the other.

"It’s Maxwell. He got past the guards somehow and now he’s in the living room,"

Ivy motioned for everyone to remain quiet and listened more carefully. The muffled sound of arguing reached her ears.

"Has someone called the police?" Ivy asked.

Lauren shook her head.

"He’s gone crazy, Mother, ranting and raving about how Marianne is his wife and he has every right to drag her home with him. I’m scared, Mother…for Marianne and everyone in that living room. He has a…"

The loud bang of a gun permeated the air. Ivy’s heart stopped in her chest. Julian quickly got up from the couch.

"Dear God!" Ivy exclaimed fearfully.

Julian was out the door, running toward the stairs. Ivy and Lauren followed quickly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 11

Ivy, Julian, and Lauren bolted down the stairs as quickly as they could. Julian was the first to reach the living room entrance. He stopped short, nearly causing Ivy and Lauren to bump into him.

"Dear God," Julian said lowly.

Ivy gaped at the scene before them. Marianne was huddled on the floor by the couch, being gently rocked by her older sister, Carly. The poor girl was in hysterics, her cries coming out in haunting whimpers. Carly was running her fingers through Marianne's soft blond hair, whispering soothingly in her ear. Ethan was standing over them, looking unsure of what to do.

Next to the girls, about two feet away, lay a gun. Nearest to the entrance was the body of a young light haired man. Blood could be seen seeping from a gunshot wound in his side.

Logan was standing in the far right hand corner of the room, face deathly pale.

"Dear God, what happened in here?" Julian asked.

Nobody spoke for a while. The room was deathly silent, except for the sound of Marianne's heart-rending cries. Julian quickly went to the man on the floor, reached out to touch his throat, and checked for a pulse.

"He…he came in with a gun, Father," Ethan spoke as he watched his father. "He tried to grab Marianne and force her to go with him. They struggled and the gun went off."

"Is he…?" Ivy inquired, stopping at the sound of Marianne's voice.

"I killed him," she shouted, "Oh, God, I killed my husband…No!" Marianne was desperately trying to get away from Carly, who was struggling to keep her close…to calm her down. Marianne pushed her away, shouting, "No! No! Let me go!"

Marianne finally was able to release herself from her sister's grip and stood up. She pressed both hands to her mouth and shook her head violently.

"I killed him," she whimpered. "I didn't mean to."

Over and over again she said the same thing, "I killed him…I killed my husband!"

Julian, unable to stand the anguish in his daughter's voice, shot up from his kneeling position next to the body and rushed to where Marianne was standing. He reached out his hands to cradle her face in between them, forcing her to look directly at him. He looked directly into her eyes and felt his heart drop to his stomach. The look that lied within her eyes was one that Julian knew he could never forget. Tears were glistening in her clear blue eyes. In them, he could see a mixture of anguish, self-hate and absolute fear. She was terrified.

"Listen to me, Marianne." He told her, his voice very gentle, with underlying firmness. "Maxwell is not dead, you hear me? He's just unconscious."

No!" she whispered, "You're lying! He's dead, I know he is!"

"I'm not lying to you, Sweetheart. The bullet only hit him in the arm. He banged his head against the table and it just knocked him out. That's all. Everything is going to be fine."

Julian could see clearly the exact moment in which Marianne believed him. Relief flooded her face.

"Daddy," she stated tearfully, as her body collapsed against him.

He held onto her tightly. Marianne wrapped her arms around him, at the same time releasing a torrent of tears. He rocked her from side to side, whispering to her soothing words of reassurance she would not comprehend.

Ivy came up to them and wrapped her arms around the both of them. She then gestured for Logan, Ethan, Carly, and Lauren to follow suit. Soon, the family was enveloped in a group hug.

A groan filled the air, coming from where Marianne's estranged husband lie. Everyone turned to see Maxwell stand up slowly, cradling his injured arm. He looked around the room, dazed.

His eyes focused on the group standing before him.

"What the hell?" he demanded, still confused.

Maxwell eyes sought out his wife, who was wrapped protectively in her father's arms.

"You bitch!" he spat, "You shot me…tried to kill me. You'll pay for that!"

He took a step forward and before he knew what was happening, Julian had him pinned against the wall. Maxwell winced in pain.

"Don't you dare threaten my daughter like that again, you piece of slime," Julian growled. "If you do, I will make sure you don't live to see another day. You see, I'm a good shot...I won't miss any vital organs."

Maxwell paled visibly and swallowed hard.

"Someone call an ambulance and the police!"

Carly rushed to the phone. Marianne broke away from her family and grabbed the receiver just as Carly began to pick it up. She slammed it back into its cradle and turned to face her father.

"No! Please don't call the police. If you do, the press will be all over this. We're already getting too much publicity with our divorce proceedings. I just don't want to add another thing for them to follow up on!"

"Marianne...he broke into the mansion and tried to kidnap you by gunpoint," Ivy said, coming up to her. "I think we need to press charges."

"But!"

"No buts about it, Marianne. Carly call 911 right now." Ivy's tone of voice indicated she was going to remain firm in this. Her children always knew when not to challenge her. This was one of those times.

Carly dialed the phone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 12

It had been a long evening since Maxwell tried to kidnap Marianne. He had first been taken to the hospital for treatment of the injuries he had sustained. Now, he was in jail, where he belonged. It looked as though he would be charged with several different crimes, including, but not limited to attempted kidnapping, violation of his restraining order, illegal possession of a deadly weapon and trespassing.

At the police station, Julian and Ivy both feared that Marianne was coming close to having an emotional breakdown. The whole time the police was interviewing her; she was shy and timid, retreating often into a protective shell, nearing to the point of being catatonic. The interview didn't take long, though. The officers questioning her recognized the signs of a woman who may breakdown at any moment and decided that they had obtained enough information from her. The rest of the family was questioned briefly as well.

Julian was the first member of the Crane family to leave the Harmony police station. As he stepped outside, the flashes of at least a dozen cameras greeted his eyes. Questions started flying at him from all directions as the reporters struggled to extract a few words from him. Julian fought the urge to lash out at those reporters who were blocking his way to the limousine that sat in front of the station.

When Marianne stepped outside, Julian was all but forgotten, as the attention was taken away from him to his daughter. So many people were shouting at her that it was difficult to tell exactly what they were saying.

Julian stopped in his tracks to look at Marianne. At this point, she reminded him of a lost little girl, unsure of her surroundings and being overwhelmed by the confusion. Protectiveness strong and deeply rooted gripped Julian as he doubled back in order to wrap his arm around Marianne's shoulders. He held her close to him as he tried to shield her from the overzealous press corps. The limo seemed a thousand miles away and it felt as though they were walking in extreme slow motion. Just as Julian thought they might never reach the car, they arrived and stepped up to it. George, their driver, quickly opened the door for Julian, Marianne, and the rest of the Crane family. Julian breathed a huge sigh of relief as the last person was seated and the limo door slammed shut.

Marianne was completely silent during the ride home. In fact, nobody spoke. Everyone was so exhausted. It was nearing midnight and they had all been through so much in the past few hours. The silence that prevailed through the ride home was still present as they made their way inside the estate.

-----------------* * * -----------------

The sunlight, which filtered from the window blinds, hit Julian's face. Groaning, he turned over to the side in order to shield his eyes from the early morning light and to perhaps fool his body into thinking it was still nighttime. He couldn't roll over completely because something got in the way. His eyes flew open and he found himself staring into the face of his beautiful, sleeping wife.

He raised up on his elbow and looked down at her, not remembering why she was lying there. As his memory of last night returned, he relaxed greatly and settled back down. He stared at her face for a long moment, as if trying to memorize it lest she should disappear in the mists of a dream.

Julian smiled as a strand of hair suddenly fell across her eyes. He slowly reached over with his right hand to gently push the strand away and to tuck it behind her ear. His had lingered for an instant before hesitantly lifting.

Ivy sighed softly, pulling the covers even more tightly around her. Julian found that he couldn't stand to tear his gaze from her beautiful features. After last night's stormy expressions, her face was now peaceful and well rested. Julian wished that this moment would last forever. He couldn't resist but trace his finger down her cheek, following her jaw line all the way down to her chin.

Again, Ivy sighed. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and she looked uncomprehendingly at Julian. Confusion furrowed her brow as she glanced around the room.

"Julian?" she inquired.

"Yes?"

Ivy sat up and brought a hand to her forehead. She looked around the room once again, this time truly soaking in her surroundings.

"What am I doing in your room?" she asked.

Julian flashed a gentle smile.

"You came to me."

Previous night

Julian couldn't sleep. His mind kept drifting back to the events of the evening. Marianne was foremost on his mind. He knew that the fear and anguish in his daughter's eyes would haunt him until his dying day. Remembering the deep sense of protectiveness that he felt for her, he was surprised at its depth. He could not remember much about her...nothing about her childhood nor any of her adulthood...However, he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would lay down his life for her, for any of his children for that matter. Somehow he also knew that the old Julian would do the same. In that way, he felt as though he knew her forever.

There was a gentle rapping at his bedroom door. Thinking it might be Marianne, he rushed to open it. Surprise flooded his face as he saw Ivy standing before him. The first thing he really noticed was how utterly seductive she looked in her lavender silk nightgown. The next thing was the redness of her eyes, as he realized she had been crying.

"Ivy, what is it?"

Ivy said nothing. She just burst into fresh tears and flew into his arms. Julian wrapped his arms around her in a firm embrace.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Again, Ivy did not speak. On a sob, she drew away from him slightly and reached up to pull his head down to hers for a desperate kiss.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really--Chapter 13

As Julian looked closely into the brilliant blue eyes of the woman sitting on the bed in front of him, he remembered how taken aback he was at that sudden kiss.

Previous Night cont'd

The pressure of her soft lips against his caused a jolt of electricity to rush through him from his head down to his toes. His hands, drawn by some sort of primitive instinct, lifted to cup the back of her head, pulling her closer.

A soft moan drifted into the quietness of the darkened bedroom. Julian was unsure from whom it came, but it snapped him back from the edge of the cliff he was about to fall over.

Steeling himself for the loss of the heat of Ivy's body, he pulled hesitantly away from her. Ivy let out a frustrated groan of protest as he took a step back. That sound made him want to completely forget the reservations he had about what he wanted so desperately to happen, and to draw her close to him again.

Ivy slowly opened her eyes, then stared after him, confusion written clearly on her face.

"Julian?" she asked him quietly. "Why did you stop? Don't you want to..." Ivy cut herself off, sudden comprehension being brought into her eyes. "It's too soon for you, isn't it? I'm sorry, Julian. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry!"

Julian held up his hands, shaking his head.

"Don't. There is no reason for you to apologize for this...for anything. So don't.

"But...why...?"

"Oh, God, Ivy. Don't you see, I didn't want to stop. I wanted to keep on kissing you...to take this...attraction or whatever it is, further. It's not that I'm not ready...I don't think...I think it is you who is not ready."

The confusion on Ivy's face grew more intense as she gaped at him, unsure of what he was saying. She held the sides of her head in her hands before dropping them to her mouth.

Her lips felt slightly swollen to the touch, reminding her of how it felt to have his lips on hers. She could remember everything about the kiss. Every detail, every nuance, every feeling it inspired was burned forever in her memory. She, too, wanted to go further. She didn't understand why he felt they couldn't go any further, though. Not when he wanted to.

Julian could see this.

"I'm not making any sense to you, am I? Ivy. It's just so hard to put into words."

Even though Julian desired Ivy. Even though he wanted take a much deeper exploration of her and his feelings for her, he knew that she was upset. When a person is as highly emotional as Ivy was at the commence of the kiss, things could get easily out of hand and they could end up doing something that they would greatly regret later on. Julian didn't want Ivy to regret anything that she did when it came to being with him. And he didn't want to regret that she regretted something. The close bond that they were starting to form could be shattered by one single mistake. Then all may end up lost.

"If we go any further, I don't want you to end up waking up in the morning wondering where your head was, to regret..."

Even though she understood what he was saying, she couldn't help but be a little hurt. Her voice hardened slightly as she stated, "What do you take me for Julian...some weak-minded, weak-willed female who doesn't know up from down. I knew what I wanted Julian. My emotions have not completely blocked of all rational thought. Don't you think I should be the one to decide when it is that I am ready?"

Julian sighed deeply

"That's not what I mean, Ivy. It's just that I-I'm afraid."

Ivy's eyes widened at those surprising words. "Afraid of what?"

'Of loving you, but losing you in the end,' Julian thought.

Julian didn't speak his thought aloud. Ivy would have tried to pry it out of him, had she not felt so tired. The tears that she had shed and the exhaustion she felt, held at arm's length for so long, suddenly became too much for her. Her face paled visible and she felt as though she could collapse at any moment.

Julian's features went from wariness and sadness to concern. He reached out his hands to firmly grasp her shoulders. He looked down at her face and her drooping eyes.

"Ivy, we really need to get you to bed. Here, let me help you back to your room."

Julian wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She allowed herself to sink into him so that he was fully supporting her weight. She moved with him, but stopped just short of the bedroom door. She turned into him, pressing her face against his chest.

"Please," she said, voice muffled, "I don't want to be alone tonight. Can't I stay here tonight?"

"Ivy,"Julian sighed.

Ivy pulled back and looked back up into his face, she could see the wariness overcome his features.

"Just to sleep, Julian. Nothing more than just that."

Julian wanted to say no, but found he couldn't refuse her this. Seconds later, Ivy was settled underneath the blankets of Julian's bed. Julian lay on his side, facing her. He watched as she slowly drifted into slumber

Julian watched her for a while, concern etched so deeply on his face. He turned off the light and followed Ivy into unconsciousness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really--Chapter 14

The words Julian had just said words echoed through Ivy’s mind.

"You came to me."

Her eyes narrowed slightly as the meaning of what he had just said began to sink in. She looked into Julian’s eyes which were reflecting worry. Ivy’s face softened, for she was touched deeply by the uncertainty she could see. It was something that Julian never let shine through before. There was a certain vulnerability about him now because of it.

Ivy thought about the past couple of days and its effect on her husband. The accident had not only stripped away Julian’s memory, it had torn down all the defenses that he had put up over the years under Alistair’s tight fist. It had released him from the responsibilities of being Julian Crane, cold, distant, ruthless heir to the Crane Empire.

Alistair's pressures on Julian to be those things were gone, forgotten for the time being. They would return if and when his memory returned. But perhaps, Julian could look at this very time in his life, and realize that who he had been, was someone he never wanted to be ever again.

Ivy hoped against hope that would be the case. This new, and in Ivy’s opinion, improved Julian was someone she could fall deeply in love with. She was already half way there. The realization of this struck her hard, causing her to panic slightly. If she ended up giving Julian her whole heart, did it run the risk of being destroyed forever?

“What are you thinking, Ivy?” Julian asked quietly.

Tears welled up in Ivy’s eyes before she could stop them. A tornado of fear swept through her as she realized that she did not want to lose the Julian that sat in front of her right now. It could happen at any moment, on any given day, and she felt deeply in her soul, that it would leave her devastated if it did.

The fear was suddenly pushed away by an even stronger emotion.

Determination.

Julian had once told her that her determination was one of the few things that he admired about her. When Ivy put her mind to doing something, not even an army of fascist dictators could stop her from reaching for the fulfillment of her goals. Though a battle may seem to be lost, she forged ahead because she knew that there was always a chance.

The old Julian may try to return, but Ivy wasn’t willing to give up the post-accident Julian without a fight. A plan began to form in her mind, one that would give Alistair Crane a run for his money. A battle of wills was about to be fought.

Ivy could not wait to share the plan with her children. United they would make a formidable team against Alistair and the Julian Crane that had been his puppet for so many years.

Julian watched in fascination as a variety of emotion crossed her features in rapid fire succession. Sadness, fear, worry, and then fierce determination all graced her features. A wide smile lifted her lips, making Julian believe she had something up her sleeve. It worried him for a moment, but he soon found that the worry was turning into an overwhelming curiosity.

“Ivy,” Julian said, trying to prompt her out of her thoughts and back into reality.

At the sound of his voice, Ivy’s mind immediately fell from the clouds. Her eyes snapped from the point on the wall where she had been gazing, to Julian’s face.

Julian looked carefully into her eyes, but could read nothing there. He reached out to touch the back of his hand to her cheek. He was relieved when she didn’t pull away. If she had, he didn't know if his heart could take the strain of knowing she couldn’t stand his touch...out of regret for what happened last night, or something else more serious. Something he wasn’t even willing to name.

“Thank you for last night, Julian,” she whispered, reaching up to take his hand in hers.

She squeezed it gently, leaned over, and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. She was delighted to see a blush settled on his face.

“You’re welcome,” he returned, for he couldn't think of anything better to say.

After staring at him for a moment, she cleared her throat and stood up off the bed. Their hands were still connected, both of them unwilling to let go just yet.

“Well, I guess I should go get showered and changed. I’ll see you at breakfast?”

“Ah, sure. Breakfast.”

Ivy began walking away. Their hands remained in contact until the distance became too great, forcing them to let go.

When Ivy was in her room, she closed the door gently behind her and leaned back into it. A shiver of anticipation ran through her body, giving her a surge of energy. Impulse took over, and she raced to the closet like a teenager getting ready for a first date.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 15

He watched through the window as she strolled leisurely through the garden. Her light hair, pulled up into an elegant French twist, shimmered as the suns rays touched the pale strands. She stopped to admire and smell the sweet perfume of a red rose. He smiled in appreciation of the vision she presented as her own lips curved upward. She was so beautiful, she took his breath away.

“My wife,” he said as though saying the words aloud would succeed in making that fact any less surreal to him.

But it didn’t. It just made it seem even more unreal as if he were in a dream within a dream within yet another dream.

Julian straightened his back, his heart speeding up slightly as Ivy paused suddenly in her path. He fought the urge to step back when her gaze darted all around her. It was like she could sense that someone’s eyes were on her, only she was unsure which direction the feeling was coming from. Her face turned toward the living room window. This time, Julian did step back, not wanting her to know that he had been spying on her. He slowly crept back to the window after a minute’s wait, gently pulling apart the curtain and peaking through the slit. She was no longer looking in his direction. In fact, she was no longer even in the garden.

Julian leaped in surprise as Ivy’s voice came at him unexpectedly from the foyer.

“Enjoying the view?” she questioned, amusement making her voice seem light and airy.

He spun around to face her. She was smiling brightly at him, eyes alive and dancing. Her hand was outstretched to him, beckoning him to take it. Julian, who was under her spell, stared into those beautiful blue eyes, moving his hand instinctively out to obey her silent command.

“Come with me, she told him, gently pulling him toward the living room entrance.

In a matter of what seemed to be seconds, they were back out in the garden. She was guiding him through the flower surrounded footpath, and past the statues which stood as guarding sentinels. His eyes were so totally focused on her, he did not notice exactly where she was leading him until they were actually there. When she paused, he looked up for the first time to see the gazebo standing before them.

“What are we doing here?” he asked, a bit confused.

His confusion grew as she fixed him with a mischievous grin, stating, “Bringing you to a trip down Memory Lane...of course, only if you’d like to join me.”

A thrill of anticipation made its way through every area of his body as he wondered what kind of journey she was about to bring him on. Memory Lane was kind of long, there was plenty of space to explore. Ivy took what seemed to him to be a seductive step toward him. She stared up at his face and crooked her finger at him. He leaned down as her hands lifted up to his chest. The electricity of her touch shot through him like a bolt of lightening.

“This was the place where Lauren was conceived,” she whispered into his ear.

--------------------

Who Was I Really?--Chapter 16

Startled, all Julian could do was stare down at his wife, and wonder if he had heard correctly. Did she just say that one of their children was conceived here at this very gazebo? One look into the crystal blue of her eyes and the answer to that question slammed directly into his gut, nearly stealing the breath out of him. He did indeed hear her words correctly.

Ivy watched Julian’s face as his features went from dazed to suspicious, to searching, and finally to understanding. With a sinking heart, she could sense that he was about to take a step back in order to distance himself from her. Her instinct was to grasp on tightly to his arm to restrain him, which she did. He stilled, perhaps needing only that action to be the invitation for him to stay.

Then slowly, as if in a dream, his head lowered to hers. She stared up at him and didn’t move. Couldn’t move, because in his eyes was the unmistakable desire for her kiss...burning a hole into her soul. His lips were against hers, light as a feather. Instantly, Ivy reacted to its gentle persuasion and her lips parted slightly, encouraging him to deepen the kiss. Julian did not hesitate and soon the kiss was one filled with longing and passion, almost rough in its intensity. Possessive, staking claim. It was a kiss that screamed...Mine!

Ivy stumbled backward against the gazebo, pulling Julian along with her. She could feel the wood digging into her back, but strangely, there was no pain or discomfort. She was too caught up in what she and her husband were doing. The back of her mind held a warning. Something was trying to tell her that she shouldn’t be doing this. But how could she stop?

Her unspoken question was answered by the sound of peoples’ voices coming from only a short distance. Both Ivy and Julian heard them at the exact same moment. Julian jumped away from Ivy as though a bucket of scalding hot water were thrown on them. Ivy quickly straitened, automatically smoothing out her clothing.

Feeling like guilty teenagers who had come pretty darn close to being caught making out by their parents, Julian and Ivy composed themselves to the best of their ability. The turned just in time to see Sheridan and Luis walk around one of the hedges. Their hands were tightly intertwined. They were talking and laughing animatedly as they moved forward.

Sheridan stopped in the middle of a sentence when her eyes caught sight of Julian and Ivy. She and Luis paused almost imperceptibly before venturing closer.

“Sheridan. Luis,” Ivy greeted the couple with deceptive calm. “I thought you two would be on your way to New York by now.”

Sheridan glanced up at Luis, then turned back to Julian and Ivy, smiling wryly.

“The wedding was cancelled. Apparently, Todd cheated on Anne, so...”Sheridan told them and shrugged, leaving the sentence hanging.

“Oh, okay.”

There was an uncomfortable silence stretching thin in the air. Everyone just looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Sheridan and Luis seemed to realize they must have interrupted something heavy. Julian and Ivy didn’t want to speak of it.

“You know...why don’t Julian and I leave you two love birds alone to enjoy this gorgeous day.” She paused to look at Julian. “Coming, Julian?”

Julian, who wasn’t looking in Ivy’s direction, snapped his head to her. He opened his mouth to speak and for a second, no sound words came out. He nodded his head before speaking, his voice sounding a bit unnatural, even to himself.

”Yes. I’m coming.,”

As Ivy started past him, her hand reached out to grab hold of Julian’s. Ignoring the surprised and confused expressions on Sheridan and Luis’ faces, she pulled him along with her.

As soon as they were back at the mansion, Ivy fell back against the nearest wall, tightly closing her eyes. The smell of Julian’s cologne wafted into her nostrils and she knew without looking that he was standing directly in front of her. The touch of his fingers on her forehead as he swiped a stray hair away from it, prompted her eyes to open.

What she saw startled her, causing her heart to beat faster. The desire she had seem just a few minutes previously was still there. She stared into his eyes as his hands moved down her arms to grasp her hands. He lifted them to his lips, gently kissing each knuckle. Silently, she followed him as he headed toward the staircase in the foyer.

Her friend, Agatha Weldon's voice came back to her.

"When it feels right between you and your husband, don't worry, go for it."

Who Was I Really?—Chapter 17

“As far as plans go, Mother, there isn’t much to it, is there?” her youngest son commented.

“Well, little brother, just because it’s not some elaborate scheme doesn’t mean it doesn’t have any merit. I like it, Mother, and I think it’ll work,” Marianne defended.

Ivy smiled as an expression crossed her daughter’s face that reminded her so much of one’s she had seen on Julian’s. It held firm resolution, mixed with a touch of arrogance. Her heart warmed at the sight.

“When your father regains his memory, he will need to know that we will stand behind him one hundred percent. Otherwise, Alistair will have Julian clenched tightly back into his iron fist before you can say, ‘Alistair Crane is a world class bastard!’”

“Mother!” Ethan pretended to scold, fighting the grin that was threatening to form. “Do we really need to resort to name calling?”

Everyone in the room looked around at each other before bursting into laughter. There was no love loss between them and Alistair. Plus, they were grateful for the opportunity to release some of the tension in the room.

“So, when do you think we should confront Julian?” Ivy asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

“I think you should talk to him first, Mother. You know, set the scene. We should give him a fair warning, shouldn’t we?”

“Yes. I think that’s a good idea.”

“What’s a good idea?” Julian’s voice interrupted.

Ivy’s heart caught in her throat as her husband came into full view. He paused just outside the room, hesitant for a moment to enter.

Lauren cleared her throat and made a production of looking at her watch.

“Welll, look at the time! I think I should be going now. Are we still going to meet here for dinner tonight, Mother?”

Ivy looked at her daughter, confused for a moment. They weren't planning on having dinner tonight.

"Dinner?” she asked. Then she got the hint. So, they could talk to Julian together. “Oh yes! Dinner. Tonight. Yes, of course. I look forward to seeing you.”

Lauren stood up and proceeded to walk out of the room. She paused to look at her siblings. She waited for a second or two. Nobody moved to leave. She made a motion with her hand toward the front door.

“Ahem. Anybody want to come with me?”

In an instant, everyone caught her not so subtle drift. They sprung into immediate action, noisily gathering their things and making a rather ungraceful exit. As soon as the front door slammed shut, Ivy turned toward Julian and stepped closer to him. She grabbed a hold of his hands, reveling in the surge of electricity that ran through her fingertips to her toes.

An image of the night before fluttered in her mind, prompting an uncontrollable blush onto her cheeks. Julian gave Ivy a knowing smile that quite resembled a smirk. Her blush deepened as she realized he knew what she was thinking. He chuckled lightly, pulling her closely to him. She fell easily into his arms, knowing in her heart that this was where she belonged.

Ivy pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. Her voice was serious as she said, “There’s something I’d need to discuss with you.”

Julian’s brow furrowed. He released her and took a step back.

“What is it?”

Ivy grabbed onto one of Julian’s hands and gently pulled him over to the couch. As soon as they were settled down, side by side, Ivy looked down at their still intertwined hands.

Where to start.

"In the past couple of weeks, you have shown a side of yourself that none of us have seen before. It's been so nice, but also...it also makes us worry about the future. When you..."

"Ivy," Julian interrupted, holding up a hand. "Before you say anything more, there are a few things I'd like to say to you."

"Uh...yeah. Sure, go on," she responded.

"I've been doing much thinking. Especially in the past few hours. In fact, after you fell asleep last night, I stayed up until about dawn just thinking about the future...and the past..."

There was something in his tone that had Ivy on full alert. She leaned forward slightly.

"The past?" she inquired, "Julian, have you remembered more?"

Julian continued as though she hadn't even spoken.

“When I married you, Ivy, I made a vow to love, honor, and cherish you for the rest of my life...” Julian breathed in deeply, his grip on her hand tightening simultaneously. “And I didn’t live up to my part of the bargain, making it impossible for you to live up to yours. I took the love that you offered and threw it back in your face, time after time again. I pushed you away, dishonored you…put you through so much emotional abuse…” Tears flooded his eyes. His voice was choked with emotion as he continued. “I called you mean, horrible, nasty name, I cheated on you numerous times…and…and I’m so sorry, Ivy. I’m so very sorry. I know I don’t deserve it, but I was wondering if you can find it in you to forgive me.”

Ivy felt as though her heart was bleeding. His words were a painful reminder of the utter loneliness she had felt over the years. But that wasn’t what hurt the most. She knew that she should hate Julian for the hell he had put her through…but she couldn’t find it in her to do so. She could see the deep regret and self-loathing in his eyes. It was that self-hatred that caused her heart to break.

No, she couldn’t hate him…couldn’t even come close to it.

Ivy framed Julian’s face with her hands so that he couldn’t look away. She stared intently in his eyes. Her voice was soft and gentle as she whispered, “I forgive you, Julian.”

Her words instantly melted the tension in Julian’s body as relief flooded him. Ivy let go of his face before running the back of her hand against his cheek in a tender gesture. He closed his eyes and leaned into her comforting touch.

“Hey!” she exclaimed softly, her mind catching onto a sudden thought, “You do remember, don’t you?”

The corners of Julian’s lips lifted slightly.

“Yes, I do.”

“When…how?”

“Last night. Making love…was like a sort of catalyst for the memories to come back. There are still those bits and pieces still missing, but I remember so much more.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Julian shrugged.

“I wanted to wait for the right time. Besides, there was much I had to think about before I said anything.”

Something flashed in Ivy’s eyes, which Julian read with startling perceptiveness.

“He’s gone, Ivy. The Julian you knew and loathed is gone. He’s not coming back, either.”

“Alistair…”

“Has no hold on me. I can’t let him rule my life. Not anymore."

“Are you sure? You know he’ll pull out all the stops to bring you back under his control.

“I’m positive,” he stated firmly. “And with that plan of yours, I may stand a fighting chance.”

Ivy stared up at him, mouth agape. How did he know?

“I heard you talking about it in the living room,” he answered her unspoken question.

Ivy laughed. “You really shouldn’t eavesdrop, my dear.” She sighed gently. “Well, it looks as thought he first part of my plan isn’t needed anymore.”

“Ah, yes! The part where you all confront me in true intervention style, with the specific goal of convincing me to go against the tyranny of Alistair Crane…offering your unwavering support should I chose to do so. No, you don’t need that part of the plan. I’m already convinced and you didn’t even have to do anything.”

Julian stood up, pulling Ivy up along with him. He kissed her hand reverently.

“So, what now?” she asked him.

“You’re the one with the plan. What do you think should be our first act of united defiance against Alistair?”

“Hmm. First, I suppose we could make sure Ethan and Sheridan’s weddings go off without a hitch. It’s a small step, I know, but it’s a start. Also…”

“You know what?”

Ivy was thrown off by the sudden shift in conversation. The heat of his gaze burned into her, it was so intense.

“What?” she asked, momentarily dazed.

“I love you.”

It was amazing how three simple words sounded so beautiful and poetic. It frightened her, the depth of emotion that coursed through her at his unexpected confession.

Her heart ached with the love she felt for her husband. She didn’t want that sweet pain to ever go away.

“You know what? I love you, too.”

Julian grinned idiotically. “You do?”

Ivy touched the side of her husband’s face with her fingers.

“Yeah. I do,” she confirmed, staring him in the eye and letting him see for himself the truth behind her words.

Julian pulled her suddenly to her, capturing her lips in a mind-bending, toe–curling kiss.

The past was a distant memory and the future appeared a whole lot brighter. Of course, they had some tough times ahead, though there was nothing they couldn’t overcome together. However, in that moment, they weren’t thinking about the past or the future.

In fact, they weren’t really thinking at all.

THE END